What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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