This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
