I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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