life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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