those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
