You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
