my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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