I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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