Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
