it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
