Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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