What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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