One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
