i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
