I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
