My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
