I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also, beer. Big fan.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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