I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
