So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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