We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you never un-have a 4some
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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