I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
