Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
