I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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