Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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