My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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