I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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