it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
