so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
