We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
