I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
