Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Non-Jews are for practice
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
