No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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