The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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