His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
