I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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