like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize