How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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