my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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