Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
