Only a mothe r could love this liver
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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