I want to make a zoo with you.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
