We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
