Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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