Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
