I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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