hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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