i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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