True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
