Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
