Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
