TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
