I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
