Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
