just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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