Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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