I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
