I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
