I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
