I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
