Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize