In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
