I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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