Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
