We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My liver just had a heart attack.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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