i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
