I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
