summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
