i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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