i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How naked do you want me to be?
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