he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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