just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
