I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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