Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
