If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I should be sponsored by Trojan
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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