I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
