At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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